Its all fun and games and then your computer explodes...

If you've read what little I have blogged... you will know I have some crap luck.  I have come to the conclusion that I am cursed. I am not sure which entity or diety or divinity I have pissed off, but life is continuing on getting crappier and crappier.

I infected the computer I borrowed for my boy with some nasty virus (I am once again lacking computer and wow withdrawls are starting to give me the shakes).  The cyst on my coccyx is back and in need of an appontment for removal (there is a 50% chance to get these again when you've already had one removed... so yea).  My roommate informed me she was leaving (this one might not be so bad...).  Fights all around.  Pain in the body...  I'm over it.

But ya know what they say.... at least you've got your health.... oh.... wait..................... 

Living With and In Technology

I hate living in this technological age.  Everything is connected.  No matter what.  And, yes, I realize the idiocy of venting this on an internet blog... thank you very much.

Remember the good old days, when you got into an argument with someone and you could slam the phone down into the cradle with that satisfying sound.  The person on the other end of the line heard a slam and a click and a dial tone and KNEW you were pissed.  If you were really pissed, hell.... unplug the line.  This came in handy too when you were horribly depressed and just wanted to forget the world and imagine that the world had forgotten you. 

Now however, in the age of internet and smart phones, if you want to ignore someone, its a huge process that unless you are really SERIOUS about not talking to someone, it's just not worth it.  First off, on a cell phone, hanging up on someone in a rage, just doesn't have the same dramatic effect you got with a nice big receiver hitting it's cradle.  There are times that I will keep on talking thinking there is someone on the line listening, when in actual fact one or the others phones has simply cut off.  No noise, no warning... just sudden silence and the imposing feeling that you are talking to yourself.  I wonder how many times I have hung up on some one in a rage and they continued talking as if I was still there.  Not to mention the only way to stop someone from continuously calling your cell phone until you pick up is to turn the thing off... in which case...there goes my clock... And I don't know about your phone, but it takes about 30 minutes to turn my android back on so lord help you when you decide you are ready to talk to them again... or if there is a sudden emergency.

Speaking completely hypothetically, of course, lets say you are having a discussion that turns sour with someone on google, gmail, chat, talk, whatever...  In the midst of the conversation you grow tired of the circling of words and decide to sign off on the convo.  BYE!  Close the browser and have done with it.  Seconds or so later and <beep> your phone gives off it's tiny notification alert.  Looking at the screen...  the person you just left in a huff is responding to your chat, completely ignoring the send off you just sent now it's being automatically transfered to your phone.  What the what!?!  So now, unless you want to scramble through the settings of phone and chat and figure out how to un-sync the account without destroying the phone settings entirely for after you have had your little tantrum, you are stuck...  Are you mad enough to not answer the chat?  Cause you know that person isn't going to stop until you respond.  Or, worse yet, if you don't respond it will probably make things all the worse in the long run.  Do you respond and possibly further the words and hurt feelings...  or do you ignore and do just about the same thing. 

It's a god damn double edged sword is what that is...

FUKITOL

You know those days where you just want to laugh and cry and run around screaming all at the same time...

Let's just say my day started with a bang..... By being rear ended at 8am right across the street from my work.  I have this instinct of looking in my rear view mirror anytime I slow down or stop.  It stemmed from two rear end collisions in my life as well as a general lack of trust in the entire human population of planet earth.  So I am in the right hand lane to turn right with about 7 cars ahead of me stopped at a light that had JUST turned green.  I slow to a stop with plenty of room and look in my rear window just in time to see a guy in the left hand lane swerve into the right hand lane in front of the car behind me.  I had exactly enough time to think, "shit, that guy is goi....."  and WHAM!  Right in to the back of me.  Tires squealing, metal crunching, neck whip-lashing.  I pulled to the side of the street and he followed.  He was actually quite nice and forthcoming.  I wrote down EVERY bit of information I could derive from insurance, drivers license, and car registration.  And we went on our way.  I was so shaken... literally shaking.  I've been in accidents, but never as the driver in a one on one situation with my accidenter.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  Perhaps call the police.  Take pictures of the damage.  I don't know.  All these thoughts were going through my head and all I could think was... god damnit, I just want to get to work... 

I don't like that heart pounding, hand shaking feeling.  Not when it is in a non controlled instance.  Those feelings are fine when I am at Disneyland staring at the goat on Big Thunder.  But damnit all if I want that on a daily basis and unbeknownst to my.

Now I have to wait and see how the guy wants to handle things....  but I can feel my neck getting tighter... even through the Tylenol/Codine I just swallowed.........................

Soooo....

...weary.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of life.  I wish against wishing that things would get better.  Things aren't necessarily BAD...  they just suck.  I'm sick of struggling in life.  I wish just once, something would go easy... or at least easier.  When I first started this blog, I was unemployed and lonely and depressed.  Now I am just tired and weary and stuck.  I fear writing in this blog because I don't want it to become a woe unto me place.  But I think I just want to write things down.  I'm determined to make it through and write more...  so from here on out... once a day, you are going to be privy to whatever is in my head.  Perhaps a book review (I just started a great book by Erik Larsson), maybe a gripe over my day, movie reviews, maybe even some random stream of consciousness writing.  Who knows.  Perhaps I should change the title to Grab Bag of Emotions... haha.  For now, this thought process came to late and I am super excited to watch Chaplin, so that is all for tonight.... more tomorrow... you lucky follower you...  o_O

A Day in My Unemployed Shoes

7:15am - Wake up
8:00am - Alarm finally goes off     (note:  time spent between waking up and when alarm goes off is normally spent perusing the internet and playing World Of Warcraft)
8:30am - Start water warm up for shower after patiently waiting for roommate to be done with the bathroom
9:15am - Complete morning ritual, including showering, brushing teeth, dressing, hair and make-up
9:30am - Visit Anticoagulation Clinic at Huntington Hospital for INR test     (note:  appointment takes about 10-15 minutes and costs be around $180 every time I go in.  The real miracle is getting out before the 30 minutes parking time is up so I don't have to pay $5 for parking.)
9:45am - Rush back home to shave legs and get more dressed up for impending interview.
9:46am - Check mailbox for mail and receive letter from USPS letting me know that a letter was 'inadvertently damaged'.   Freak out because it was my unemployment claim form.
9:49am - Calm down.  Email EDD regarding replacement form.
10:00am - Leave house way to early for interview.
10:15am - Decide to visit mom at work on the way to waste time.
10:20am - Mom isn't working.  Get back in car and continue on to interview.
10:45am - Park at 412 N. Santa Anita Ave in hopes of finding where I am interviewing so I am not late.
11:15am - Realize that interview is being held at 610 N. Santa Anita Ave.  Rush to car, drive a few blocks north, park at business.
11:29am - Get to interview with minutes to spare.  Relax, breath, smile.  Nail it!!!  (note:  I do not know if I "nailed it!!!"  But I would like to think I did.)
11:45am - Conclude interview.  Return to car.  Drive around talking myself out of going places.  End up at Target to get toilet paper.  $45 toilet paper...
12:02pm - Remember to take coumadin on time (almost)
12:57pm - Return home.  Fix ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.  Return to computer in room for perusing of internet and playing World of Warcraft.
3:48pm - Become bored of everything and begin writing blog.  Write blog on how boring day has been. 
3:57pm - Post blog.

Finding a job... in this day and age...

     December 23, 2010.  The company I had a pretty awesome job with was bought out by another, much larger company.  New company decided to sack all employees but one, two days before Christmas.  Well, I thought I would have myself a nice vacation.  Take the week off between Christmas and New Year and enjoy myself.  I would find a job in the beginning of January and all would be right with the world...  Right?

     It is now January 12, 2011, and still no prospects.  Now, I'll be the first to admit that there hasn't been a whole lot of searching.  I am not desperate enough to be out pounding the streets looking for any old minimum wage, restaurant job I can get.  Not yet anyway.  And I have been dealing with a lot of health issues that have hindered the whole stomping the pavement in the search.  However, I have been putting my resumes in to "respectable" companies, looking for some sort of office admin position.

     The problem is, I don't want to go back to retail.  I had a taste of the office life... and I liked it!  I want to have to look nice and have my own desk and take actual lunch breaks.  Is that so much to ask for?  The only problem I have with attaining these goals, is that I have no "experience" in the industry per say.  So potential employers look at my resume and go... OK, retail, retail, restaurant, retail, customer service, no thank you.

     I know that I could be amazing at the jobs I am applying for.  Office assistant at an elementary school.  Office admin for a firm in Pasadena.  I just need some soul to give me a freaking chance in their office.  I have great phone skills.  Am ridiculously organized.  Competent with a computer.  I'm not an idiot.  Common sense and what not are in order.  So what gives?

     I'm bored.  I feel useless and unwanted.  And for that matter, grossly under-qualified.  Just because I can't speak three different languages I shouldn't even bother applying.  Nice.  Give me a chance and I will rock the pants off that office job.  But until I have experience I won't even be considered.  What kind of fucked up Catch-22 is this?

So Here's the Thing...

Since October of 2009, my life has been one big huge piece of crap.

     In October, I started having breathing issues and it was all down hill from there.  First it was bronchial spasms that were so bad it felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest with an ice pick any time I took the smallest of breaths.  UrgentCare gave me some steroids and an inhaler, and I was fine within the week.

     One week after that I couldn't walk upright or sit down without being in intense pain.  I thought it was from an old snowboarding tail bone injury.  Turns out it was an infected cyst.  A Pilonidal cyst (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilonidal_cyst) to be exact, or two of them to be even more so.  Right on my tail bone, like growths coming out the top of my butt crack.  Getting those removed was the most painful experience I had ever had (up to that point in life anyway, don't worry, it gets better). Not to mention the pain and antibacterial meds they had prescribed me made it so I couldn't keep food down for 5 days.  It was great in jump starting my metabolism and making me lose a bunch of weight though, so I won't be too mad about that.

     About a month after that, those same pesky and utterly painful breathing issues came back.  Only thing was, this time, it wasn't just bronchial spasms.  They sent me to the ER so I could have a cat scan and blood work done.  I had a freaking blood clot.  Three to be exact.  One in my leg, a rather large one that had made it swell up and become difficult to walk on.  And two, smaller ones, that had broken off from the leg clot and moved up into my lungs.  So THAT'S what that pesky breathing issue was caused by.  Hm, good to know.
That's me, 28 years old, a week before Thanksgiving, and I am holed up in hospital because of some slim chance disease for geriatrics.  GREAT!  I had a DVT [Deep Vein Thrombosis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DVT)] and a PE [Pulmonary Embolism(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulmonary_embolism)].

     They put me on Coumadin (Warfarin).  I had to go to the hospital every week or so to have a blood test so that they could make sure that my blood was performing well on the medication.  What a pain in the ass.  It affects everything in life.  You can't drink (I did anyway).  You can't eat certain foods that are too high in vitamin K (I never really ate those anyway).  You have to take the pill every day at the same time.  HUGE pain in the ass.  Ten months I was on it, until August 2010.  Then we rescanned the leg and the clot was gone!  GONE!!  Excellent.  Life was gonna get better...

     Well fuck.  Two weeks after the wonderful news, while enjoying my first Philippe's famous French Dip, my tooth began to ache.  Oh yeah...  Had my first wisdom tooth/cavity/tooth extraction all in one.  That was awesome too.  All well, had to happen sometime I suppose.

     November rolls around and wham!  My leg is swollen and hurting and I am back in the ER for that same damn thing.  Cat scans and blood tests and peeing in cups, oh my!  Well fuck my life all over again.  Last time they assumed, due to my age and birth control use, that it was a simple mess up with the birth control.  No more oral contraceptives for me, I can live with that.  This time, they have no idea WHAT'S going on.  Why would it come back?  I don't know.  Let's run a bunch of really obscure blood tests that even the nurses are wondering about to try and figure it out.  GREAT!  I felt like an episode of House, except my medical issue wasn't tied up neatly in a hot little Hugh Lorie package within the hour.  Nope.  I'll probably be on Coumadin for life.  All those tests they ran, came back negative.  They still have no idea what is going on or why I am getting these clots.  Some weird blood anomaly apparently.  Well hell.  Thanks alot modern medicine.

     December 2010 started a whole new batch of issues with my body and health.  Issues that I am dealing with right now.  I would go into them, but they are still to personal and emotional, so for now...  That is my medical history up to date.  And don't forget, that is just from October of 2009...  AND this is only my health, I haven't even gotten to the personal and professional part of the last few years.  I will save that for another blog.